Why is This so Hard?

This is going to be a pity-party rant; you have been warned. Stop reading now if you don’t like those, but I’ve gotta vent somewhere, even if no one reads it.

Why is it so hard to be consistent? I want certain things for my home and my life, but for some reason I can’t seem to get myself to actually do the things I need to do to make them happen. And the last couple months, I haven’t even been able to get excited about anything I want to do.

It should be easy. The things I need to do are simple; they don’t take a lot of time. But for some reason, the lazy side of me takes over. I see what needs to be done, and it overwhelms me. Instead of just doing a small task here or there to make some kind of progress, I freeze up and decide not to do anything. And because I do nothing, the apartment never gets clean, or I never get the activities I want to do with G planned.

It’s just an endless cycle from which I haven’t been able to escape. Occasionally, I will get a big burst of inspiration and energy. That’s when I usually decide I’m going to make a change, and things are going to be different from this point going forward. But it takes hardly any time at all (usually a week or two) to lose all that energy and momentum. So the cycle begins again: messy apartment, non-amazing parenting, and virtually no spiritual life to speak of.

Right now, I’ve been struggling with feeling like I can’t do much of anything. I just want to escape from everything, since I feel as though I’m failing at so much. I’m not the person I want to be. I want that feeling to go away, because it’s holding me back. But that’s probably not how I should be looking at it. I know I should try harder to fight through this depression.

But damn, it’s hard!

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